Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Monday, July 31, 2017
I know Dad's upset at me cause I don't have a kid yet, but honestly I think I'm doing all my future children and maybe even my future husband a service by waiting. Of course I don't think the love of my life will marry me. Not because he doesn't want to, but obviously because he's scared.
I have no idea why he's scared of Dad. I mean yeah he's a little rough around the edges, but he's a good man. Plus my Love also had a military father so he should understand.
My Mom on the other hand... I can totally understand why he's afraid of her. Like I said she's a liar and a manipulator. She'll twist the things you say into something they're not and make you seem like the bad guy. Plus she's extremely jealous hearted.
The problem with my Love is his personality. He's so soft and tender. There's no way he'd be able to stand up to someone like my Mom... He can barely stand up to his own Mom... hey, he can barely stand up to most of our peers. When I'm with him not only do I have to stand up for myself, but I have to stand up for him too.
Of course God gave me a very strong personality... and after all the junk I've been through I completely understand. You have to have a strong personality to make it through a lot of the crap I've been through and still keep a cheerful laid back attitude.
I mean yeah, I have a short temper... and that's about it. Yes, I get upset really fast. But I also calm down really fast and my ability to forgive is amazing. I have no idea where I got some of these personality traits cause it wasn't from my parents I can tell you that much.
Thinking about this makes me happy cause I know that must really piss Mom off.
She wants to affect me long term, but because of my personality she can't. So she throws jabs at me. She's really going to be pissed off when I start ignoring her completely :-)
Saturday, July 29, 2017
She's so paranoid... Amongst other things. I could probably write an entire blog about nothing but my Mom's flaws if I wanted to. But I feel like it'd be a waste of my time. Especially considering it won't change anything.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
That's why Mom and I got into a fight earlier... She straight up tells me not to talk to her friends
Uh... Newsflash Woman. They are my friends and I'm an adult. I don't need Mommy's permission to do whatever it is I want to do. E
Unlike my friends, people who read any of my blogs and her friends I know the Woman. I've known her my whole entire life. She can try to hide who she really is from the rest of the world, but she can't hide from me. The same goes for Dad... Unlike them I actually pay attention to the people around me. Unlike them I actually care.
Don't get me wrong I had fun and it was nice hanging out with them. But it was getting to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I imagine if we had stayed together any longer I would've done something I regretted (Lord knows I said a bunch of things I regret).
Sunday, June 25, 2017
If only I wasn't so quick to anger... I mean don't get me wrong. I've come a long way from the person I used to be. I'm definitely more calm and much more pacifistic. Despite that I still fly into a rage. True, it's a lot rarer than it used to be and it's probably not as intense. But it still happens.
You know I wasn't going to bring this up cause I firmly believe in putting the past behind you... And what happened is in the past. But now that I think about it me getting so upset at those two people... Well the first person who I called a Bitch, there was really no point. They're always going to be paranoid and unhappy. There's nothing I can do to change that... And even though I was standing up for myself now that I think about it I'm just making myself feel bad saying things I don't normally say. As for the second person who called me a piece of shit who honestly cares what they think? They don't know me and haven't known me for a long time. Anyone who truly knows me knows the real me... And the real me is a kind, loving person. Yeah I make mistakes, but don't we all?
So yeah in conclusion I'm just going to forget about it and ignore the negative people. Cause one day they'll realize what I eventually realized and if they have it in their hearts they'll become better people. Just like I did and just like I'll continue to be... Cause there's always room for improvement.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
There was a time when I had a ton of things to write about. When life was interesting and everyday was something new. Now it's just the same thing over and over again. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.
I've been thinking of starting a new blog for my stories... Or maybe I'll put them on one of the many websites I'm on.
For as long as I can remember, ever since I learned how to write, I've been writing. About pretty much everything under the sun. Most of my writings are stories that came from my imagination. I'm nervous about letting people read them because no one has ever read them. I remember when I was a kid I tried to get my Dad to read it, but for whatever reason he didn't want to. He told me to let my friends read it. Of course I don't have any friends, so you know how that goes.
There's also the matter of my social phobia and fear of rejection.
Dad calls it constructive criticism. Which I guess it is because it helps you become better, but everyone I know who's ever given me constructive criticism... well let's just say they weren't very nice about it. I don't know why, but I'm sensitive... and it seems to get worse as I get older.
I was hoping it would get better, but... meh, I guess not.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
I've been thinking a lot. I don't know if that's a good thing. I of course talk to my friends and family about it, but I don't know... All they really do is comfort me by saying they think those things too. It feels kind of hollow though... Of course I might be thinking too much.
I've been playing Harvest Moon a lot lately, but I must of not played it that much cause I'm still on year one.
That's why I had a hard time working with Dad when I was younger. He said repetition is a good thing. As far as I'm concerned it is good cause it takes me awhile to learn certain things. But sometimes I get bored doing the same thing over and over again.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
My phone is acting up. Which I guess isn't all that unusual. Idk why but I have the worst luck when it comes to phones. Slash that. I have the worst luck with technology in general. Usually all of my electronic items break within a month of me having them. It doesn't matter how careful I am. If superpowers were real I'd probably have the one that sucks electricity out of something and stop it from working.
Right now my computer is stuck in an infinite 64% loop. I've tried everything, my Dad has tried everything. No matter what we do nothing works. It's probably going to be awhile before it gets fixed.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
A few days ago I actually got time off looking after my grandma and hung out with some of my friends. We went to Universal Studios, Disneyland and Adventureland. I have no idea how it happened but somewhere along the way I got sick. Lucky for me(and maybe my friends) it wasn't as bad as it was the last time I went to Disneyland. Back then I had a full on flu. This time my throat just hurt. I thought it was just a little cold. Then I think it was the day before yesterday I went to the doctor and they told me I had strep throat. To be completely honest I find that hard to believe cause when I got home(from my trip with my friends) I actually felt a lot better. Anyway they put me on Penicillin. Which made me a little bit Nauseous. Dad told me not to stop when I feel better. He said to keep taking it till it's all gone. So I guess I have no choice but to keep at it.
Can't wait till all this junk is done.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
I don't really have anything interesting to say. I haven't really been doing anything. I'm such a homebody. I haven't been in contact with any of my friends. I wonder what they're doing or if they're thinking about me. It's OK if they're not cause like Dad says I don't need them... And you know what? That's perfectly fine. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being independent.
Friday, March 24, 2017
I redid my lab. Hopefully nothing bad happens to it cause Mom was already pissed off. I also went to the doctor appointment that I didn't want to go to and surprise surprise they found nothing wrong with me.
She said I was perfectly healthy. Which I'm totally happy about, but it doesn't help me figure out what's causing this cough I've had for years.
I mean if it's not from some type of illness, what's it from? Is it just age? I mean my Dad basically told me my whole life things would change. I'm not entirely sure if that's what he meant, but whatever.
Another thing it could be is a certain bad habit I've had since I was a baby. I didn't mention it to my doctor cause she's not going to understand. Nobody ever does.
I looked it up though and I'm not the only one who does it. There are tons of people out there who do it in hiding.
That's the only difference. I'm way more open about it and have been known to do it in public. It wouldn't surprise me if my doctor already knew and isn't saying anything cause maybe it doesn't matter.
Maybe I'm thinking too much.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
I made it.
I'm 1 year older... And of course I feel no different. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to.
I would make a post everyday about my boring average life, but I've been really busy with Grandma.
She's been extremely active this past month. I'm not entirely sure but her dementia seems to be getting worse. It makes me scared cause you know that's hereditary.
If I get half the things I think I'm going to get when I'm older... Man, you think I'm messed up now.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
It's so annoying when I write a great post and I forgot how to spell a word so I have to look it up cause my phone's spellcheck doesn't understand what I'm saying and my phone ends up deleting my entire post. Of course I'm having a brain fart so I don't remember what I was writing about before.
Which means instead of an enjoyable post you get an annoying post like this...
Man, time flies. Soon it'll be the 19th and I'll be 1 year older. You know when I think about it... Really think about it... It's kind of funny.
I was born in the 3rd month.
I was 3 months premature.
I stopped breathing 3x.
I'm in the big 3s.
It's like my whole life is surrounded with 3s and I have no idea what to do about it... I have no idea what I can do about it.
I realized on the 17th that everything ends eventually. Whether it be your favorite show, video game, song... Even your life... Everything ends eventually.
I just wonder what'll happen when that happens...
Thursday, March 9, 2017
I keep writing some incredibly intense stuff and it keeps getting erased.
Part of me is annoyed and part of me is wondering if that's some kind of sign.
I've been feeling... I don't know what the word is. Nostalgic? Melancholy? Maybe, both.
I've been feeling like this for a long time. It's probably cause I'm getting older and I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be...
I wonder how many people feel like that... Like there life isn't going the way they thought it was.
It's actually kind of funny.
I talk to my friends and family about everything, but I never talk to them about the serious stuff, the stuff that probably matters in the long run.
I don't know why I don't I just don't.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
I talked to my love. Usually we talk all night, but they're swamped with homework that's due tomorrow. I personally thought they were crazy for calling me, but it was something they really wanted to do.
So yeah if they fail, I had nothing to do with it. I just started playing Harvest Moon friends of mineral town. I heard it goes to 100 years. I want to see for myself if that's true.
Saturday, March 4, 2017
I woke up at 1AM this morning thinking about something really intense. I was going to post about it but for whatever reason I didn't and now I completely forgot what it was. To be completely honest I totally blacked out yesterday. The only thing I remember is that person getting upset for no reason. I don't remember what happened before or after that.
I guess I was really tired. That's the only time I ever forget things the way I forgot them.
Friday, March 3, 2017
Idk what to say. Yesterday I was upset, but I'm not anymore. I'm actually surprised at the way my friend handled me. It was totally different from what I thought it was.
I hope I don't do anything stupid on this trip. Idk why, but I get the feeling that I might.
Of course it could be "negative thinking" as that person said. Of course it's funny that person said that since that person is the reason I'm like this.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
It's annoying when people do things you don't like and then when you try to explain to them why you don't like said things they go behind your back and ignore your feelings.
True, my feelings might be petty and childish and true, I might be overdramatic. But they're still my feelings. I respect your feelings you should respect mine.
I really wish my Love wasn't so busy... All the movies I know we'd like to see together are coming out at the beginning of the year. Which is weird since usually the good movies come out either during Summer or the end of the year.
Oh well. It is what it is.
I have my birthday(even though I'm not really looking forward to getting older) and this trip with my friends to look forward to. Hopefully nothing goes wrong and we have tons of fun.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
I got to talk to my Love yesterday which was great. I just wish we could've talked longer... Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who wants this relationship to work. I know that's not true. I know them doing what they need to do will be better for both of us in the long run. That of course doesn't make the loneliness and the sadness easier to deal with...
It doesn't stop me from wondering when my life will begin and my dreams will come true. It doesn't stop me from worrying that all the stuff I want to happen won't happen...
And in the end I guess it doesn't matter if they gave me all the attention in the world cause I might still feel like this.
Of course I can't be 100% sure since I never met anyone who gave me all the attention in the world. I never met anyone who was loyal and friendly and loved me for me.
It hurts when I see people who have people like that in their lives... Actual Angels... And they take them for granted.
If there ever comes a day when I have an Angel in my life who treats me how I want to be treated and loves me for me. The good and the bad. I hope I never take them for granted. I hope I remember the day when I wanted that and I hope I appreciate that person whoever they may be as much as they appreciate me.
Monday, February 27, 2017
I been busy lately and I've been posting on my phone which is acting kind of like a klutz.
It's raining today. I love the rain. I don't know why but it makes me feel relaxed. Like I think I'd be a lot more stressed if it wasn't raining...
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to my friend and if I get the chance to talk to them again I'm going to skip it. I know this is really mean, but they were being extremely annoying(amongst other things). The only reason I say it's mean is cause you don't know the whole story(I don't really feel like getting into it right now), but trust me if you did know you probably would've handled it worse than I did. That's how bad it was.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
I have no idea what happened last night. All I remember is I talked to my Love until both of our phones died then I passed out.
Usually I wouldn't worry cause I was obviously super tired. But my friend was freaking out this morning saying they're sorry for being annoying... And they kept saying that over and over again. It didn't make sense to me because I don't remember anything annoying happening.
It probably wasn't the nicest thing to do, but I calmed them down and told them they were being ridiculous. I'm not annoyed or upset or whatever and if I was I'd tell you. Which is true. I would... I'm not the type to hide my feelings.
Friday, February 24, 2017
People can be so annoying and stupid sometimes... Whether you're related to them or not. They're always holding things you did when you were a kid, when you didn't know any better, when you were young and stupid against you. As if that was a part of your personality, as if that's who you are.
Newsflash people make mistakes. We do things we don't mean to do. That doesn't make us bad people. No one's perfect, everyone's different. I have no regrets.
Am I sorry it happened? Yes. Do I wish I had taken life more seriously? Yes. If given the opportunity would I go back and change it? Back when I was younger the answer to this question would've been yes, but now it's a little more complicated... I don't regret what I did cause it made me a better person. I learned and I grew and I'm not ashamed. Not when I think about who I use to be...
Thursday, February 23, 2017
I don't know how long it's been since I last talked to my friend, but I finally got in touch with them today. Of course they were upset cause they think I'm neglecting them. They don't understand that life has been crashing down around me and I've been busy trying to get things back to normal. They don't understand that it's going to take awhile or that it might never be like it was before.
I hate it when people say they'll be there for you, but then they're not. Like what was the point in even saying that? I don't know... Maybe I don't understand cause to be completely honest I'm not like that at all. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it. When I say I'm going to be there for you, I'm there for you. Even if it hurts me.
It's like what I told my Love a few years back. I'm loyal to a fault.
I don't know if he truly understood what I meant, but it's true.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Don't know what to say... Same stuff different day. I've been so busy it's not even funny. It doesn't help that time passes by so quickly...
I'm actually glad I haven't heard from my Love lately cause I probably wouldn't be able to talk to them anyway.
I know it probably sounds like I'm complaining but I'm not. It's actually good that I'm busy cause it gives me less time to think(anyone who's read any of my last posts probably knows what I'm talking about)
On a side note I think it was yesterday or the day before that(don't remember) I was watching this video on YouTube about people who get help with their life from like a counselor or something and it made me think... If you don't have empathy, compassion or the ability to put yourself in their shoes and I don't know, actually help. Maybe you have the wrong job.
Seriously some of the things they were saying to these people were just awful. Especially that girl who clearly had a bad case of depression. I hope she's alright now and got some real help cause if her Mom keeps treating her like she was treating her, calling her lazy or whatever that girl is going to do something they'll both probably regret in the long run.
Monday, February 20, 2017
I meant to write yesterday but the computer was being hogged and my phone was out of power. I tried to call my Love. I had something important to tell them but for whatever reason they never answered or called me back. I guess it doesn't really matter. I can always say what I need to say whenever we get in touch again.
Idk why but I've been addicted to Oblivion lately. I love all the Elder Scrolls games. Mostly Skyrim and Oblivion, but I'm so busy I can't get into them as much as I'd like.
I hope nothing happens to this game. I'm playing it how I want for once and I made an Imperial who looks a lot like me.
In Oblivion it's hard to make good looking characters(probably cause the graphics aren't really good) so whenever I do make a good character I'm kind of stingy about it.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
I've got like a million things to say, but I don't know where to begin. Same with things I want to do... I don't know sometimes I think life is too short. Too short to do all the things you want to do, to say all the things you want to say and to learn all the things you want to learn.
I've been wondering recently if we only have one life. For two reasons:
1. Think of a Book you read or a Video game you played. You didn't just do it one time and learned everything you had to learn. You probably had to read the book or play the game multiple times to fully understand the story and whatnot. I think life is kind of like that.
2. We recycle cans, bottles, paper(the list goes on and on) so wouldn't it make sense that our creator would also recycle?
Well I don't know... You can disagree with me if you want. No one will know for sure until their time has came, but that's what I've been thinking about.
I talked to my friend and they said it made sense... I think it makes sense too, but then again not everyone is as laid back and open minded as I am.
I guess that's what happens when you're busy. You don't realize how much time has passed... Of course I probably wouldn't have realized anyway cause I have a horrible sense of time. To this day I have no idea why that is.
It's been raining lately. I actually like the rain. Of course what I could do without is the roof leaking. That's going to be hard to clean up... Especially how big it's gotten. Of course it just can't be fixed right now.
I'm really worried about my friend... I mean don't get me wrong I'm glad cause they're going to graduate this summer, but I've been talking to them about their classes and whatnot and I hope they understand what they've gotten themselves into. The last thing I want is for them to break under the pressure. That's going to make things worse not better...
Maybe after they graduate I'll talk them into taking a break. I understand that this is for their future... for my future... for the future of our some day family... and I congratulate them. But it's not good to be so stressed out. To work yourself to death.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
To be completely honest I don't think things will ever be back to normal...
At least not how I want them to be, Not how I remember it...
And you know what? That's ok. Cause in the long run you're supposed to grow and change.
That's basically what life is. Growing and changing. Nothing stays the same.
I know it's scary... It's like what I told my friend. We all get scared, it's how we handle being scared that counts.
I personally am glad that I changed. I don't think my friends would like me if I was the same person I was before. I don't think I'd have friends if I was the same person I was before.
Even though the person I was before wasn't exactly bad, they weren't exactly good either.
Yeah. I have regrets. Even though I try not to let it hold me down... Sometimes it's hard to function when I think about the things I used to do. I either get super embarrassed or super ashamed(depending on the flash back).
I think I've come to terms with it though cause I don't get flashbacks like I used to.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
So many things to do, not enough time to do them.
Life is so short, it's hard to believe you only live once.
I been thinking about this for a long time and I think the only way we'd get anything out of this life. The only way we'd learn anything or understand anything is if we went through it multiple times. That's how it's like with books and video games. I imagine that's how it'd be with life.
Today is Valentine's Day. The day we cherish those we love. I wished everyone a good day this morning, but I know there are people out there who are lonely. Luckily I'm not one of those people. Well actually I do feel lonely sometimes, but I have someone I love who loves me and the only reason they couldn't be with me today was cause they were busy with college.
It's going to be totally worth it in the long run. Cause if they succeed(which I know they will) they'll graduate this summer and then nothing and no one can keep us apart.
Monday, February 13, 2017
I wanted to write something else. I've been thinking about it since yesterday and it actually inspired me to write this blog. Unfortunately my mind is going a mile a minute and I can't really focus right now. To be completely honest I feel like I might have already forgotten what it was...
Oh well. I'm sure it'll come back to me(it usually does).
Sunday, February 12, 2017
This is my own personal blog which means I'll be posting a lot of stuff that interests me. Since writing is therapeutic it'll probably be about my life and stuff. I don't really know.
This actually isn't my first time blogging. I had another blog that I used to write in all the time, but I think I deleted it. I also helped my Dad with his music blog KNK Music But it's been awhile since I did that... To be completely honest I don't even know if he's been keeping up with it. If you like music though I suggest you check it out. Who knows? You might enjoy it.